Hello, this is Healing Santa, Kim Ji-yu.
After raising Nathaniel Branden's six pillars together, and after the seventh story widened our view through people-centered entrepreneurship, the eighth story comes back to "me" again.
For bringing the world to life and helping people stand tall both begin, in the end, with a heart that loves myself.
1. Self-esteem is the eye with which I see myself
Branden described self-esteem like this:
"Self-esteem is not what others think of me, but how I think and feel about myself."
He said we can be loved by family and friends and still not love ourselves, and be praised by everyone and still think little of ourselves. Praise, learning, wealth and success only lift our mood for a while; they cannot create self-esteem.
And he also left these words:
"The first love affair we must consummate in this world is the love affair with ourselves."
2. When I cut a grapefruit, I saw a stranger in me
I cut a grapefruit, and countless little cells spill out. I think I know what is inside me, yet sometimes there are so many strangers in me that even I do not know.
The eye of my heart that rests on others, the gaze of others. Me, strict with myself but generous with everyone else.
A heart that keeps churning though my head understands: anger, jealousy, quarrels, envy, judgment, dislike. Beneath them, low self-esteem and old wounds were hiding.
Low self-esteem hurts our relationships. It is hard to accept rejection; when we feel ignored we flare up easily, or hide in our hurt and sulk, or attack the other person, even dragging in things from long ago. And in the end we blame ourselves and lose heart.
When things do not flow, it hurts. So it is with relationships.
3. Take the labels off the me in the mirror
Looking in the mirror, we keep asking: "Why are my eyes so small? Why is my nose so flat?"
Take off those labels and simply look. Two eyes, a nose, a fine complexion. "So this is just what I look like."
When we keep attaching negative thoughts to ourselves, we see others through the same distorted eye. Even the thought "What on earth is wrong with that person…" really begins with the eye with which I see myself.
That is why Branden's second pillar, self-acceptance, is called the foundation of self-esteem.
4. Satir's declaration of self-esteem: "I am me"
Virginia Satir, called the mother of family therapy, said, "If we can heal the family, we can heal the world." Deeply moved by these words, I opened PuNolChi family coaching classes based on the Satir model.
Let us read a few lines from Satir's "My Declaration of Self-Esteem" together.
I am me.
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me.
I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my voice.
I own my triumphs and successes, my failures and mistakes.
I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.
…
I am me, and I am okay.
(Excerpted from "The Satir Model," p. 42)
Branden's pillars are all contained in this declaration: "I can be friendly with all my parts" is self-acceptance, "I own everything about me" is self-responsibility, and "I am me, and I am okay" is unshakable self-esteem itself.
5. A star hides even inside a cabbage
Cut a cabbage in half, and a white star is hiding inside.
Inside me, and inside you, there are sparkling heart-jewels not yet revealed, jewels that will soon shine out beautifully into the world.
To look at myself as I am and love myself without comparing myself to others, I need above all love and trust in myself. We have received life from heaven; we are all truly wonderful people.
Self-esteem learned from green things: flowers and plants accept their surroundings right where they are and proudly show themselves to the full. They do not envy someone else's garden; they bloom fully in their own place.
6. Self-esteem cooked at the table
In 2022, experts of the Korea Food Expressive Arts Therapy Association wrote "Ten People, Ten Colors: Heart Cooking 2 — Self-Esteem Cooking" together. It is a book in which ten experts, in ten different colors, share ways to cook self-esteem at the table, woven together in the spirit of sharing good influence, separately and together.
Drawing a heart with pine nuts on ssamjang, I practice love on myself first. Respecting and cherishing myself as if setting a delicious meal for myself — that is the self-love that the 5-minute PuNolChi heart table speaks of.
7. Today's 5 minutes: my heart-jewel declaration
In 2021, every morning with a prayer of thanks, I tended the jewels within me like this:
🍒 I am a person who gives thanks.
🍒 I am a person who shares whatever good influence I can.
🍒 I am a commendable person who keeps giving volunteer lectures in cooperation with the association's members.
🍒 I am not yet healthy and sleep ten hours a day, but I love myself as I am.
🍒 For twenty years I have boiled yin-yang water every morning to serve my partner with respect.
🍒 I am a person who loves meeting nature and taking photos, and who looks back on myself through writing.
Try it yourself today.
One. Cut open a fruit or vegetable and look for the "hidden star" inside.
Two. Give that star the name of one of your heart-jewels.
Three. Write a three-line heart-jewel declaration beginning "I am a person who ___."
Then close with Branden's sentence-completion exercise: "If I loved myself 5 percent more today, I would ___."
Closing
Self-esteem grows not from grand achievements but from the small love that tells me, "I am me, and I am okay." When I love myself, I can love others as they are, and healthy selves gathered together become a healthy and beautiful world.
What is the heart-jewel within you? Shall we spread out together a self-esteem table, eating health and eating happiness with the 5-minute PuNolChi heart table?
Healing Santa Kim Ji-yu
References: writings on Nathaniel Branden's official website; Virginia Satir et al., "The Satir Model"; "Ten People, Ten Colors: Heart Cooking 2 — Self-Esteem Cooking" (Korea Food Expressive Arts Therapy Association, 2022); Healing Santa's blog post "If your self-esteem is low, love yourself all the more" (Sept. 2021); writings in the Haengbok Yeolgi healing-space café
This story was first posted in the Haengbok Yeolgi Institute operators' room of the healing space Haengbok Yeolgi cafe.